the graveyard of ambition

My Bucket List

Perk me up 31!

How does one survive the first day of being a 31ner? Sometimes when you worry too much about getting old, you'll get more older. A lot of thinking and agitations will only add more lines to your growing number of wrinkles. Aside from getting older, there are a lot more things one has to fret about isn't? 

So from this first day that I am an officially 31 I will stop worrying about issues on age, instead I will focus on more important stuffs and affairs, particularly on my happiness and on my career. I will not deprive myself of activities that will further enhance whatever meager intellectual elements I have. I will continue on my adventures, my love for heart pumping and jaw dropping rides and adrenaline induced  activities. 

This day onward I will not promise anymore that I'll be acting maturely, less, I will be doing my very best to discern which things are best for me. I will break free from my shell and let others know that I do exist and that no matter how they will treat me, I'll stay calm  and just let time turn its curse on whatever is done. I will not lay my hands and do the verdict. I'll get much patience as I could and pocket a few more extra smiles for everyone to see.I will be more thankful verbally on people who cares and loves me.  These I will  be listing as my new mantra in life. 

...... just for a thought.... I think I want a new pair of red stilleto for a start.

hakuna matata!!!!!

YAWM TES-AH- TASH---ANA WAHEED THALATEEN!

i really can't have a birthday without a cake.

Thank you Lord for this wonderful day, apart from showering me with abundant blessings, you gave me this year a chance for me to rekindle sparks and reconnect thorn pieces of me. 

i wanna bite it now!

pooh is celebrating with me!

still all smiles, i love my cake!!!!

thank you Lord!

wishes, prayers, kisses and a whole lot of lovin'!

Despite the cruelties of desert life, I was able to survive this day with enormous happiness and was showered with love by people whom I know deep in my heart loves me so dearly.  I celebrated my birthday here with only a few people whom I consider as confidants. It didn't bother me because I know my real family  is celebrating with me too only separated my thousand yards.

This is the first time in years that I spent it literally alone. But that didn't change my perception of a happy birthday. Still , this is one of my most loved day of the year. A friend of mine here  asked me today, "you really can't pull through with this day without a celebration" she asked. I was so used to celebrations, its been a yearly ritual for years. For me its a testimonial day to rejoice and be thankful that I am given another year to be with people whom I  love.

showing my cake to my family

We don't grow older, we grow riper and that with life's constant challenges we become whole and well breed as we age.

 

hakuna matata!

waheed

I'm down to the last count then it's my favorite day of the year. Some says it's my final blow in the calendar, time is ticking fast and I must set my foot on something different by this time. Maybe they are right, but it still isn't sinking into my grey matter. As a matter of fact I'm still torn between truth and fallacies. The truth that I'm getting old and the fallacy that it's just mere numbers added to your age.

Last night I honestly sedated myself and drowned myself into a lot of medications...don't get me wrong ok. I'm no drug addict, it's just that since I started doing this countdown I am getting a lot of headache attacks, body malaise and a few other indescribable feelings. I would usually wake up in the middle of a very deep sleep ( will you call that deep) to unknown reasons. A friend here said maybe I'm just missing home that's why . Well, maybe she's right. But last night I really can' take it anymore.  I took a few pills which brought me to a state of euphoria and hallucination. Lol! I'm just kidding. Honestly I had the best sleep in the whole week last night. I felt that my whole body rested so well as i woke up this mid morning. 

I'm not actually a fan of gulping a lot of pills, probably because of my familiarity with the side effects and other causes of these drugs. But  last night was one excuse not to drink some cause I'm really feeling so frailed by these malaises.  Thank heavens medications did well and I'm feeling a lot better today. This could also be another reason for an early blogging today.

Lets get back to the number games I've been doing lately.  ONE,  yes we are down to one then its party time. Lol! How i wish I can party hard tomorrow but I can't for some reasons. Like partying in the desert where I don't have real friends beside me makes it  less of a party as I will say. Plus my fambam is not with me and of course the other half of my heart is continent miles from me at this moment.

Despite the mile differences I will not deprive myself from getting on the hype on the nineteenth. Anyways it's one of my most awaited time of the year, next to other important occasions. 

Philippine time it's only 4 hours and 35 minutes before my 31st  natal.

Desert time, it's only 9 hours and 35 minutes more.

I will follow Philippine time so in  4 hours and  35 minutes i'll be 31.

I'm blabbing nonsense right now, don't mind me. 

Goodbye 30, hello 31! 

The end is just the beginning of something new. 

eithnayn

My cry baby moment, and I still can't deny that I am still mama's girl. I just miss home so much that hearing mama's voice made me cry again. Small talks with her means so much to me. She is always my confidante in all aspects of my life and I can never hide any pain from her. She knows a lot about my mischiefs and my carefree moments. A lot of my strengths I draw from her. In times when I'm about to trip off  she never lets me fall. She gives too much love, so much that at times I feel so undeserving of it. I'm getting teary-eyed again , I really miss mama, papa and my sismuahs so much.  This is one time of the year that I feel so alone here in the desert. Celebrating with my family even for a simple meal is far happier than doing it alone here.

I was not supposed to call mama today, but sudden attack of homesickness strike me again. Its just so good to hear her voice. Despite my so exhausting duty, I feel so relieved and energized again. And when she starts to talk I get so calm, her voices soothes my senses and relaxes my super stress mind.

It's a lot different when family gets into your emotions, especially for me. I think that's the way it is when you love and value your family so much. Maybe I share the same sentiments with others who are also miles apart from their families and love ones. Despite conditioning myself that I can overcome this homesickness, still there are times when you really can't avoid such. 

I'm now down to two, but as I get nearer I get a little apprehensive of the idea of aging and adding a wrinkle line. (lol!) Can't we all age gracefully minus all the fine lines and worries?

Yet despite  all the worries and homesickness day two is still worth ending coz i know someone from afar misses me too. I maybe too stubborn and irritable at times but he never fails to keep me smile. 

I wish "two" can just be "too", as a reply to your "I love you"

thalatha

Its my work off and I had the longest sleep again.Might have awaken from the wrong side of the bed or too much sleep is causing all these body malaise right now. I was dragging my feet to at least do some stuff today. It's been days since this headache is attacking me and it never failed to visit me again today. Honestly I just forced myself to start blogging at this time. I was supposed to be sleeping but this headache is preventing me from doing so. 

What else could I write on the third day? And for each day nearing I find myself getting depressed by the idea that soon I'll be on the last count on the calendar. My Oh my! Am I feeling the pressures now? Does the idea of getting old finally starts to sink into me? Funny though, coz the more i ignore and deny it the closer it clings to my feelings. 

I am in no position to say no to aging, its part of our life. And honestly no matter how I refuse  to discuss issues on aging and getting a year older I can't escape from reality coz it's really happening and will happen to others too. Darn age! lol!

I'm down to a couple more sleeps and waking ups and its the nineteenth of the month already. The day I'm at my happiest, aside from Christmas and New Years which I love celebrating with my family. Maybe I'm a bit on the downside because again, and again I'm celebrating it far from my love ones again. This is the 2nd time I'm celebrating far from papc, mamc and my sismuahs and mostly from my dearest, to the one who gives smiles and hopes for each passing lonely day I am in this cruel desert.

I don't really feel like celebrating, for me it's not the cakes nor the ice creams that will make me feel better.For me it's the company of people i love most that will make it more than special.I am fervently praying that as each day passes by things will get better and that i'll get a bit relieve from all the chaos of this desert life.

Please three be good to me!

Down to three

arba-ah

Fierceful Four!

I'm down on the fourth yet it seems nothing is changing my moods. I prayed hard this day, and as my muslim environment is busy with their salah i did my own salah too, done the Christian way. Can you imagine that, I am in one corner of my workplace holding my dearly precious rosary and prayed. In a country where practicing other religion is not allowed I bravely did my stuff. Silently i uttered my prayers, solemnly i whispered my devotions. Who would believed that i have prayed the entire sorrowful mystery while my muslim co-workers did their own salah to Allah and no one noticed it not even the rosary I'm holding. 

I was thankful enough that my day passed smoothly. Sometimes unavoidable annoyance keeps on pricking on my meager temper but i did made it through. I was still on hopeful and wishful grips that all these shall pass and it did.

Day four didn't turn out that poor at all. 

Thank You  dear God, you have made me stronger today. I bravely faced all that's been bugging me. Despite that a part of me still gets a little jiggy and nervous, with the faith I have in you I know I can surpass all of these.

Getting back to these numbers, things are into my nerves right now. As days passes I begin to realize that I am enjoying the numbers and I'm looking forward on what to write on each number day. But after one (1) what will i write? 

Enough with that, I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. 

Four did't fool me,instead it awed me.

What could be the best 4 words to utter on the fourth day?

(winking and smiling)......

1. I

2. LOVE 

3. YOU

4. HONEY

kham-saah

High five? nah!! I prayed that this day be as good as the sixth one but the beginning didn't start so good. Although I hardly understand every word people around me are uttering I know there is something wrong which made me quite panic and worried. Whole day all went well, seems things are getting well, but every now and then i would hear words that gives me shivers and worries. I can't help but get a lil panicky and worried. No one seems to open up to me, i have been waiting in vain since the morning for someone to at least say something to me. But to no avail, no one did. What will I do? Should I relax, be calm and stay focus on my work? No! I can't, coz no matter how I try to just not mind still there's something inside me that makes me a 'lil bit worried. I'm into prayers, a lot really coz I know something is really going on here, but I don't exactly know. 

I don't want to look worried, but really I am. I want to stay focused for the entire day but it seems the silence of everyone is keeping me insanely distracted, on the edge and uneasy. 

Day 5 is not running smoothly as i wished for. 

I am on pins and needles right now and I can't help but fret.  O God, do help me with all of this that's going on. Though I can't exactly figure out the situation I can smell trouble so please please God help me make it through. Spare me this suffering and Please grant this as a birthday gift to me. 

I am wanting for a HIGH FIVE but I'm getting a LOW FIVE right now.

It's just so good that despite my  being hung up and ill at ease I'm bound to go home to the solitude of my bed and spend the rest of the day with the other half of my soul(Yah, keep on smiling honey, I know you are) even if we are continents apart. 

Gonna end day five on prayer mode, for this is what i need to make it through. 

Please Lord, light the path I'm tracking.Purify my heart and ease all the worries and burdens that's keeping me distressed and frightened. Strengthen my whole-being that things will not be as worst as what i am thinking. Do help me make it through each day of me existence. Bless those who love me so dearly despite all my shortcomings and grant everyone eternal happiness and contentment. Amen.

Set-taah!

Why with this number? While busy downloading some stuffs, browsing social networking sites which still i'm so much addicted, blame that on mark zuckerberg though, an old friend of mine pop out of my facebook and greeted me. This friend told me, 6 days more to go my friend and it's your birthday again. Huh! 6 days? I myself the celebrant didn't even bother counting how many more days left before my natal day is. 

And while busy chatting and facebooking some nuisance people around me aren't too cooperative. Blame it to thick skinned and self-centered individuals who doesn't know the meaning of privacy, silence and respect rolled into one. I'm totally pissed off by these insensitive individuals. Well to cut the drama short, i paved my way out of this gloomy room, sat at the dinner table and guess what, I am blogging again. But what am I gonna blog?  I dunno! 

Think, think, think! Nothing seems to sink into my thought bubble at this time. 

Then, EUREKA!!!

I know right! 

Why not write about this day,this very reason why I am blogging at this very moment. 

I am suppose to be happy knowing that 6 more days and i'll be celebrating again my birthday, but the feeling doesn't seem to get a 'lil better each day. I am not too hyped by the day. Is this because I'm getting a year older again. Well this dilemma has been going for months now.  I am not at all looking forward to this day unlike the previous years. I just don't know why.  But despite this, I am still wishful and in deep prayers that each year all that I'm longing for will come true. 

hakuna matata dada!

11-11-11

What's with this date?

For  some, it's another day, another date in the calendar that will just pass by. But do think carefully and keenly analyze it. Aren't we lucky enough to still be alive on this day? Isn't a rare chance and opportunity to be alive, breathing and kicking asses on this day?  Come to think of it, this date will again happen in 2111, a century old from now. Neither me, nor you is lucky to still be alive when that day arrives.

It's a little mushy and corny for some but I whispered a few wishes on this day.There is no harm in doing right?  For a hopelessly romantic and sentimental me I really want to make the most of this day. I just hope and pray that  with God's graces and the charms and luck of 11-11-11  my wishes will all come through at the right passing of time. I am not hurrying in having those wishes granted, all i'm praying is hopefully all gets well with my wishes.

waheed thalateen

it's just the numbers

Do spare me of any violent reaction and for again after 5 years I am back to my same sentiments again. It all seems unfair why some  are showered with all that I'm wishing for and I who was so deeply wishing was not even showered a bit. I just content myself on the idea that in God's time I'll have what i am wanting. Will I still utter the same line 5 years ago? I think not. It is not resting nor gaining its equilibrium anymore. Ages ago it has return to its normal beat but still nothing ever changed. Am i getting too impatient? Common, who doesn't?  It's not the hurrying part, its the waiting that keeps me so impatient.            

A week before this November fever, my blood pressure is rising continuously for no exact reason. I had my Blood chemistry checked and everything was normal. I went into a fish diet for a week, drank a few prophylactic  medicines, lessen my sugar intake and used a few drops of virgin olive oil in my cooking, when for low salt meals and gobbled on huge quantities of veggies. While doing all these stuffs it brought me to the thinking that maybe this is the turning point of my gluttony(lol). Maybe this is the sign that I must think of having a lifestyle change to get what i have been wishing for  5 years ago. 

I am not yet fully grasping the essence of it, but all i know is if i don't do now, i might end up suffering more in the later stage of my journey. Right now it's not on the wish that keeps me going, its on the want to live a longer life to wait for that wish to get fulfilled.

a simple cake for a simple girl who wishes for simple things

WAHEED THALATEEN,  my gosh a couple more days for this.  I really don't know if I am excited or not. What perks am i going to get for this added number?  Please be good to me waheed thalateen, I am praying fervently that I may get what i'm wishing for.